03 Apr 2023 4 min read Integrity

"I Don't Want to Be Too Much!" (Balancing Integrity and Belonging)

The cost of quiet self-abandonment is steep: we lose track of who we are.

I hear this phrase all the time. I hear it from clients. I hear it from friends. I catch myself saying it, too.

“I don’t want to be too much.”

It's often preceded or followed by, "I don't wan't to come across as..."
Too opinionated.
Too ambitious.
Too emotional.
Too needy.
Too sensitive.
Too direct.
Too difficult to work with.

We are so conditioned to not be the squeaky wheel because many of us grew up thinking it is selfish.

We bend ourselves in the name of being palatable. Professional. “Easy to work with.” We make ourselves smaller in meetings. Softer in conversations. More agreeable in relationships. We don't say the thing that actually matters. We sidestep our needs and call it maturity. We let our cups run dry and call it strength.

But here's the thing: most of the time, when we say "I don't want to be too much," what we really mean is: I don't want to risk being misunderstood.

And underneath that?

I don’t want to be rejected for who I really am.

This fear isn't just emotional—it shows up everywhere. In how we speak up in meetings. In how we lead or hesitate to. In how we ask for help (or avoid it). In the relationships we stay in too long or never fully show up to. In the “it’s fine” and “no worries” texts we send while something in us crumples.

We think we’re keeping the peace.
We think we’re preserving connection.
We think we’re being good partners, good colleagues, good people.

But the cost of all this quiet self-abandonment is steep: We lose track of who we are.

When You Don’t Say What You Want

Not being honest about what you want isn’t just inconvenient. It’s corrosive. Over time, it eats away at your self-trust.

Because if you can’t tell the truth to yourself—and then to the people around you—about what matters to you, how can anyone else honor it?

I’m not talking about having everything your way. I’m talking about naming your reality. Expressing a preference. Saying, “Actually, I need more time on this,” or “That doesn’t feel aligned,” or “I’m not okay with this.”

You’d be surprised how many seasoned professionals, emotionally intelligent leaders, and otherwise confident adults struggle with this. We’ve been conditioned to be agreeable. To be liked. To put harmony above honesty.

But integrity isn’t always harmonious. Sometimes it’s inconvenient. Sometimes it creates friction. But that friction isn’t failure—it’s truth bumping up against pretense. It’s clarity disturbing the status quo.

And it’s essential.

Workplaces Run on Half-Truths

In organizations, this fear of being “too much” shows up as chronic politeness. We don’t challenge decisions that don’t make sense. We don’t advocate for better timelines. We don’t say “This isn’t working for me.” We pretend to be fine until we burn out, quit, or silently disengage.

When we work this way—out of alignment with what we know and feel—we’re not just hiding from others. We’re hiding from ourselves.

And it’s exhausting.

I've coached leaders who are brilliant but stuck in roles they outgrew years ago. Who know what they want but are afraid to name it because someone might think they’re disloyal. Or ungrateful. Or too much.

The irony? The people who are afraid of being too much are often the ones carrying the most. Holding the team together. Anticipating everyone’s needs. Doing the unspoken emotional labor of making sure everything’s okay. Until it isn’t.

The Same Pattern in Relationships

In relationships, it’s no different.

We avoid the hard conversation. We tell half-truths. We hold back parts of ourselves. We say “sure” when we mean “not really.” We nod along, but something in us goes quiet.

And then we wonder why we feel lonely in a room full of people who supposedly love us.

It’s not that they don’t care. It’s that we’re not giving them anything real to connect to.

We teach people how to treat us, not just through boundaries, but through clarity. If I don’t know who I am and what matters to me, how can I expect anyone else to? If I’m constantly managing someone else’s reactions to my truth, how can they ever fully meet me?

This Is About Integrity

Let me be clear: this isn’t about confidence.

It’s about integrity.

Confidence is the belief that I can handle what comes. Integrity is choosing to act in alignment with my values—even if I can’t control the outcome.

You don’t need to feel confident to be honest. You don’t need to be fearless to say what’s true. You simply get to decide: I want to live in alignment more than I want to be liked.

And that’s not an overnight switch. It’s a practice. It’s choosing to check in with yourself instead of always scanning the room. It’s building the muscle of naming what’s real, even if your voice shakes. It’s getting clear on what fills your cup—and resisting the temptation to water yourself down.

Know Yourself. Then Choose Yourself.

When we lose our sense of self, we don’t do it all at once. It happens in tiny ways:

Saying yes when we mean maybe.
Apologizing for things we’re not sorry for.
Smiling when we’re tired.
Staying silent when we know better.

But just as we lose ourselves in micro-moments, we can reclaim ourselves that way too.

By pausing before responding.
By checking in with what we think before asking everyone else’s opinion.
By saying no without a twenty-line disclaimer.
By letting people be disappointed.

Because the truth is: you will be too much for some people. You will disappoint them. You will set a boundary they didn’t expect. You will change. You will say something that makes someone uncomfortable.

That doesn’t make you a problem.
That makes you a person in integrity.